Eurocine / J E Films (Julian Esteban Films) / Lisa Film
CineHollywood / Manhattan Video / Wizard Video / Severin Films
3.25 / 10
This has to be one of the most boring and laborious films I've ever seen. However, with the premise of the story, this film should have been a kickass action horror film. A model is kidnapped while on a shoot by a gang of criminals who intend to ransom her off. They, unfortunately, didn't count on the cannibals and their demon God. In comes Peter Western a type of bounty hunter hired to rescue the model.
The possibilities for this story are huge and as such, I believe this would make a good remake. Having said that, the original misses on all the exciting possibilities and just relies on the story concept. This mistake and the ensuing horrendous film lies squarely on the shoulders of the writer and director Jesus Franco and writer Julian Esteban. Everything is so lacklustre and lackadaisically constructed even the special effects - the demon God is just a tall man with the worst "bug-out" eyes ever, he's more comical than ominous.
The bad thing is that the acting isn't too bad, it's the slow pace and the below standard direction which makes them come off badly.
Except for the story, there's not much that saves this film. Because of this, I would only recommend to Die Hard cannibal fans, though I would like to stress, make sure you're wide away and you have a large cup of coffee close by as you may need the caffeine buzz to get through this boring snoozefest.
Standing up and welcoming everyone to the spiritualist church is something Patrick McLaughlin does most evenings. Most of the faces in the audience are familiar to him, except one. David Hopkirk walks into the West End Spiritualist church in Glasgow and slits his own throat in the middle of a demonstration. But why?
Patrick is then catapulted into a case, which sees the death of a child, a failed court case and a family torn apart.
Soon Patrick will have all the pieces of the puzzle but will he be able to fit them together in time?
The next instalment of this chilling new series is now available: Beyond Evidence
Compagnia Cinematografica Champion / Braunsberg Productions / Carlo Ponti Cinematografica / Rassam Productions / Yanne Et Rassam
Bryanston Distributing / EMI Distribution / Image Entertainment / Tartan Video Limited
6.25 / 10
Oh, my God! This movie is magnificent in its badness. A true masterpiece of awfulness. This is the epitome and the complete definition of a bad movie. This is the type of movie you can enjoy even though it's far from perfect.
For example, there's a scene where Udo Kier, Baron Frankenstein, is telling his servant Otto, played by starey-eyed Arno Juerging (does he even blink(?)) about his days as an assistant, "I had to clean out all the toilets before I could stick my nose into the laboratory!" Except, due to Kier's accent, "laboratory" sounds live "lavatory". Brilliant.
Another positive is that this is a cross between the old lavish Hammer Horror movies and the visceral Italian gorefest and it works really well. There is not one scene where you cannot see everything, though there are times you wish you weren't seeing it. Especially when the Baron likes playing with the female Zombies innards too much and poor Otto has to keep wiping his brow. Even though you think this is wrong it only gets worse.
Even when you think the only one who is remotely sane is the Baron's wife, brilliantly portrayed by Monique Van Vooren, even she tips her toes into the darker side of sexual kinkiness. I can fully understand why this one got the BANNED stamp, though they are done so gloriously you see it as funny or erotic.
The story is a pretty decent one though. The Baron is looking to reincarnate humans into Zombies and with the sole purpose of procreating and building a super-race of Serbians. Through his strict guidelines, he procures his body parts for looks and sexual prowess. These Zombies will give him the perfect children he always wanted and he will have control over them all. This allows the writer to create some good individual characters, though writing, acting, and direction aren't perfect because each personality is different it helps to keep the viewer watching the screen. I especially loved the male Zombies attitude and logic at the end of the story.
The special effects are up to the usual Italian standards. Even though the decapitation isn't too realistic, you have to give the FX crew big respect because the eyes blink and move, which they will do because a head can remain conscious for a minute after being removed. There are lots of guts and oodles of bright red blood (much too bright to be real).
All of this mixed in with some nudity and you have a marvellous exploitation movie.
This is a MUST WATCH for all who love bad b-movie horror flicks. I cannot believe it's taken me so long to find this one, though now I have I will be watching it again and again with a smile on my face and a chortle in my throat. Good on ya' Mister Warhol...
Caretaker Production Companies / Full Throttle Pictures
Cinidigm / VMI Worldwide
4.75 / 10
This wasn't going to be anything more than your everyday garden-variety horror film, especially after you read the blurb. Three college students take jobs at the club on the man-made island to earn a little cash, however, Mike has heard the rumours of strange ghostly happenings on the Island and sees a chance to get some extra credit for his forensics course. This is the first of many holes in the story - Mike is doing a forensics course with an inclination for disproving the paranormal... Since when, and in what world, has the plea of the "The Ghost Killed Them!!!" or "The Devil Possessed Me!!!" ever been a truthful, credible, and winning defence. Then later in the film, he claims this job is a "Normal Job" - Yeah Right!
These bad lines actually go to show how good the acting abilities of the cast are as the leads are quite believable in their portrayals... and they never appear to be on the verge of laughing their heads off with some of their lines. I was actually hoping the film would be better than it was since Briana Evigan, who play's Ivy, was staring. Unfortunately, not so much if you're a bloke, I think she may have been chosen for the part because she looks great in a skimpy bikini. However, her acting skills, along with Randy Wayne as Mike, Lance Henriksen as Carl, and Sarah Karges as Lori, help to keep this from being too bad.
There is just as much good as there is bad in the film. I liked the fact that even though you've seen similar movies they chose not to give you your stereotypical teenagers. These guys don't stay behind on purpose they are accidentally left behind after closing - too many films would have had them hiding away waiting for everyone to leave. Then writer and director Marty Murrey does the obvious and gives you the ghost of Ivy's baby sister, who was drowned on the lake with their parents, and she helps them try to escape - you know this is coming as soon as the accident is mentioned.
Then there's the abysmal acting of Ben Elliott, playing Jerry, who is so wooden his second job is as a sideboard. Worst still is Tony Valle as the DJ, Andy; this guy needed some serious direction for his character as he seems to be all over the place.
Though, by far, the worst thing about the film is the caretaker's ghostly apparition. The special effects are pitiful. I can't believe that in this day and age they couldn't have found someone to do a better job on the tight budget. Most six-year-olds are quite decent with CGI, maybe one of the crew's kids could've come up with something. Also, why did they bother at all since the spectral image of Ivy's sister was just a normal little girl in grey? Also, the opening scene that takes place in the past is badly shot using sepia and a heavy vignette focus; all that was missing was the cinema lines and noise effects.
If you're new to horror films and are wanting to break yourself in easy then you could give this a shot. If you're a fan of horror then you're going to watch this even if I warn you against it because Lance Henriksen stars. Just be aware that it does slow down to a near stop around the midpoint, but it does pick up again, though it never quite reaches nerve tingling excitement.
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